Låttexter: Old 97's. The Grand Theatre Volume One. Champaign, Illinois.

The bottom line's been snorted
The bottom card's been dealt
No one knows like you know right now
How truly bad it felt

All your life you wasted
On dreamin' about the day
Worker bees kill off their queen
And carry all her eggs away

Oh, then if you die fearin' God
And painfully employed
No, you will not go to Heaven
You'll go to Champaign, Illinois

Up north in Chicago
Where booze makes no one blush
Memories come back to you
In a double Bourbon rush

Memories that aren't all bad
And neither, my friend, are you
There is an argument there must be some Heaven meant
For hearts that are half true

Oh, and if you spend your whole life
Rollin' horses into Troy
No, you will not go to heaven
You'll go to Champaign, Illinois
No, you will not go to heaven
You'll go to Champaign, Illinois

Roll on blacktop highway
Circles towards the sun
Springfield's in the distance
And that's the last big one

After that comes judgment
Oh, and judgment will be swift
You will be eliminated
But here's a parting gift

Oh, if you die fearin' God
And painfully employed
No, you will not go to Heaven
You'll go to Champaign, Illinois
No, you will not go to heaven
You'll go to Champaign, Illinois

No, you will not go to heaven
You'll go to Champaign, Illinois