Låttexter: Cosmo Jarvis. Other. Jessica Alba.

When I'm watching TV, girls are all I see,
They're singing and dancing and acting and modelling,
None of them would look at me.
If I went to Jessica Simpson, she'd think I was an ignoramus,
And if I tried to talk to Cameron Diaz, she'd say Get lost boy I'm famous
All the women round here have B.O or they have rolls,
Some lucky bloke right now is probably hugging Beyonce Knowles.

If I had Jessica Alba's number,
I'd call her right up,
And I'd ask her what she's doing at half past 3
And then I'd ask her if she'd marry me,
If I had Jessica Alba's number,
I'd be the luckiest guy in the world,
I'd be the luckiest guy in the universe,
And then some dick would try and steal her purse,
So I'd smack him in the head with my mobile phone,
And I'd say Hey Mister leave Jessie Alone
If I had Jessica Alba's Number (x4)

Fit girls get shot in films, I'm always in tears.
I'd like to go see Toy Story 2 with just me and Britney Spears,
She'd say Hit me baby one more time,
And I'd say No way Britney, domestic violence is a crime.
I like the one from Show Girls, when shes dancing round them poles,
Or the really, really fit one who sings in the Pussycat Dolls,
I've nearly got a moustache, and they still wouldn't talk to me.
Kate Winslet naked in Titanic, or the lesbian from The O.C.

If I had Jessica Alba's number,
I'd call her right up,
And I'd ask her what she's doing at half past 3
And then I'd ask her if she'd marry me,
If I had Jessica Alba's number,
I'd be the luckiest guy in the world,
I'd be the luckiest guy in the universe,
And then some dick would try and steal her purse,
So I'd smack him in the head with my mobile phone,
And I'd say Hey Mister leave Jessie Alone
If I had Jessica Alba's Number (x4)

If I had Jennifer Lopez's number,
Or Kate Nash's number,
Or the girl that was in Transformers's number,
Or Jessica Alba's number

(Thanks to Katee for these lyrics)